ASWU wonders where budget went after giving multiple thousands to the “Rich White People of Willamette” club

After releasing the results of the latest funding round, club directors across the board were disappointed to find that their clubs did not receive the funding they required. Among those clubs disappointed was the “Rich White People of Willamette” Club, who wanted $50,000 to rent a yacht for their club members for a week and only received a meager $48,000. “Now our club of 10 people are each going to have to ask their parents to pay them two hundred more dollars in dues,” said a disappointed Benjamin Johnson. “I mean, I know that they’ll pay for it, but I might almost start to feel bad for asking my parents for this much money!” After outrage broke out amongst the presidents of the other clubs, the following statement was released by ASWU: “Because of the sheer amount that had been requested this round, we are afraid that all funding will not be made available. As part of our equity goals, we took the same two thousand dollars off every club’s amount of funding. We feel this to be the right decision to assist the student body equally. You can tell we’re dedicated to equality because our president is a person of color; therefore, you’re not allowed to say we’re being prejudiced.” At the end of the statement was added: “If you have concerns about the way that ASWU allocates money, let us know. Submit something to our suggestion box. Come to our meetings on Thursdays at 7pm in Ford 102. Either way we won’t listen to you, but it would be really entertaining for us to get to make fun of you later in our own meetings.”

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