You may have noticed processions of people holding torches, marching, and chanting the lyrics to Hold My Beer. Local record shops have reported the mass looting and burning of everything they own not by Beyoncé. “It’s, like, totally not cool. I mean Beyoncé is such corporate trash anyways, I only listen to underground genre-fluid music” said Hubert Bucanan, owner of the Vinyl Nihilist. The city of Springfield, I: has reported riots to the point of the brink of anarchy over Beyoncé’s apparent dejection in this year’s Grammys. Our field intern, Anna McCarthy, was sent out to try to figure out what gave Beyoncé this level of mass appeal. When asking a fellow student what it was they liked about Beyoncé, the student just stared, and asked “do you mean to say that you don’t like Beyoncé?” This was followed by multiple people pointing and screaming, something undetermined, and the death of Anna McCarthy. Funeral services next Sunday.