STEAM has zero plans going forward

After acting “on behalf” of the entire student body and dramatically presenting their petition of demands that they  wrote up, it has been revealed that the Students for Transparency, Equity, and Accountability through Mobilization has no idea what to do after filing their grievances to the faculty and also pasting it everywhere across campus so it’s impossible to get away from.

            “It’s just really unfair,” explained Kira Walton (’19) “that the administration actually expects us to have any sort of solution in mind or any steps to take besides filing our grievances. It’s like they expect us to take some sort of action rather than just complain at them and then tell ourselves we’re helping. It’s such an unrealistic expectation for them to think we’d actually help them fix the problems!” We tried to ask them for any further details, but they had already retreated into their Wellness Den to stuff their face with what our field reporter described as “an obscene amount of ‘Self-Care’ chocolate.”

            Due to the sudden disappearance of Walton, we reached out to other members of STEAM to see what their opinions on the matter were. Veronica Stilts (’22) expressed that they felt “the administration wasn’t taking STEAM seriously,” and that they were being “exploited, colonized, and… some other word from my ‘Oppression of Latinx LGTBBQ+ Womxn of Cxlxr’ class that generally means doing something I don’t necessarily approve of.” We wonder what further inaction will bring to the cause of STEAM. Considering half of the issues are hot-button topics that will cease to be popular in a couple of months, probably nothing.

4 thoughts on “STEAM has zero plans going forward

  1. Hi there, this is not satire, even if intended as such. I don’t understand how the people associated with the writing of this could hear the outpouring of genuine hurt put forward by STEAM (and supporters) and think that this was an appropriate way to respond. I would consider retracting this.


    1. Whether or not you agree with it it’s still satire. Too far? That’s purely subjective. I would consider getting rid of the notion so many Willamette students have, in which they think that everyone is required to agree with their opinions. Doing so will help you greatly when the time comes that you leave campus and you can’t live in that bubble any more.
      Good luck when the time comes,
      -Albert Skrungus, Very Real Public Relations Manager of the Nutria Report


      1. if you’re so against safe spaces why don’t you tell us your real name? also, there’s nothing funny about mocking marginalized people. you aren’t edgy or cool, you’re just mean, and not caring about the backlash makes you an apathetic sociopath. no one is required to agree with STEAM, but disagreeing and mocking are different. not that you can tell the difference, apparently.


      2. We would politely disagree with the way that STEAM goes about their actions (and not necessarily their actions/requests), but we know that if we were to make actual criticism we’d be even more over our heads than if we just wrote a stupid fake article about it. We know how toxic this community is to any form of disagreement from its norm, and we also know that putting actual arguments in would only be met with more anger, as people would respond to them more violently in order to cover up any thoughts they may have had that not everything they think is correct.

        We made this article in order to counter some of the deification of STEAM that was going on in last week’s publication of the Collegian. There is a severe confusion between activism and loudly complaining. STEAM has the administration listening to them (somehow, I thought they listened to nobody) and they’ve squandered the opportunity by refusing to actually take action. This has been a common theme over and over: something bad happens, activists appear to start rightly complaining, and then the minute they have to actually enact solutions they all disappear. It’s perpetuated by people who are either too enchanted or scared to do anything but give praise to the activists for everything, including praise and justification for them giving up.

        There is also the issue that things have gotten so ridiculous on the progressive side that nobody takes them seriously. I would LOVE to see the progressive ideals be put forward but there are the few who are acting so immaturely and focusing on such useless things (like slapping “x” randomly in the word women and pretending you’re helping when in all reality you just don’t understand how etymology works) that it ruins the image for anyone who’s thinking they might want to dip in. By acting this way the vocal minority of progressives ruin the image for anyone else trying to make some sort of change. The end result is people who are on the fence turning to Ben Shapiro’s “””facts””” and “””logic”””. Granted, a lot of those people end up being equally disenchanted with conservatism because… well, see Trump, but still, these actions, which on this campus are worshiped to the point where it’s an unsafe space for anyone who disagrees even a little (hence the pseudonyms), are ultimately destructive to the cause of any progress in liberalizing politics.

        Chew it over before angrily replying,
        -Ben (a.k.a. Chiggle Bungus) (I’m keeping the last name private because you’d all probably try to press charges)

        P.S. Don’t pull the other nutria writers into this. If it’s any reconciliation to your rage, I’m probably gonna get my ass fired from the report for getting to political and serious in a comment section. (oh yeah and throwing the Report into a sea of angry, earnest people who have no idea how to take a joke)


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